Sometime during the terrifying wait in the castle of the Wicked Witch of the West, Dorothy realized the Wizard had set her up.
"That son of a bitch," she said aloud. "He didn't want to help us, so he sent us after the witch. If she nails us, he won't have to deal with us. If we get her, she's out of his hair and he can feed us booze, big meals and excuses until we die of old age."
Just then, Aunt Em appeared in the crystal ball on the table.
"Dorothy! Where are you? We're trying to find you?" she cried.
"You have no idea, Auntie," said Dorothy.
As the sands trickled out of the glass that was supposed to mark her final hour, she heard the Scarecrow, Tin Woodman and Cowardly Lion outside.
"In here!" she yelled. "Hurry!"
The Woodman's ax thudded against the door, splintering it. Dorothy burst out. She scooped up Toto and clustered in an embrace with her three friends. In the crush, she felt someone squeeze her ass. She couldn't tell who it was, but when everyone backed away, she saw straw clinging to the back of her dress.
Just then the Wicked Witch and her soldiers crowded into the corridor and Dorothy and company had to scamper away. The Witch marshaled her forces.
"Half of you go that way and half of you go that way, she said, pointing left and right.
The soldiers trotted off with their weapons in their fists.
Dorothy's mismatched commandos ran out onto the rampart and down through a corner tower. On the next open stretch of wall, a squad of guards forced them back to the tower room. There the witch waited.
Cornered, Dorothy and her friends shook with uncontrollable terror. The stress had given either the Lion or Toto gas.
The witch thrust her green proboscis into Dorothy's face.
"The last to go will see the other three go before her," she rasped. She held her broom into the nearest torch and swung its flaming straw against the Scarecrow's arm.
"How about a little fire, Scarecrow," she cackled.
The Scarecrow yelped and leaped. Dorothy lunged for a bucket of water.
"Don't touch that bucket!" screamed the Witch, but she was too late. Dorothy grabbed the handle and doused the Scarecrow with one swift motion. The over splash hit the Witch.
"Aaaaaah! I'm melting! You fool!" screamed the Witch. Writhing and wailing, she shriveled inside her clothes, but stopped with her head and upper torso still intact.
"Ha ha," she began, but Toto scampered over and lifted his leg.
"Aaaah!" she screamed again, despairingly. "I always hated dogs..." Her voice faded as she shrank down the rest of the way, leaving her pointy hat and empty dress.
In the stunned silence that followed, one soldier said, "What do you call the Witch's hat lying on top of her dress?"
"The boss with the shit knocked out of her!" answered another one. The whole group of guards roared with laughter.
"Well, you killed her," said the guard nearest to Dorothy. "We're free! Long live Dorothy!"
"That's great, Fur Face," said Dorothy. "Now what did she keep around here for real butt-kicking magic?"
"There's the broomstick," offered the guard.
"Yeah, we need that. I'll go see what else I can dig up."
A few minutes later, the flying monkeys were carrying Dorothy, Toto, the Scarecrow, the Tin Woodman and the Cowardly Lion back toward Oz.
"Set us down outside the city in some cover," said Dorothy.
Shortly, the four adventurers stood outside the Wizard's gate.
"I can't wait to hear this bullshit," muttered Dorothy.
The massive doors swung open. The conquerors of the witch strode down the hallway with Toto trotting behind them.
In the Wizard's chamber, flames flared, smoke jetted and a booming voice echoed from the huge, floating head.
"Have you brought the broomstick?"
"Have I ever, Pops," said Dorothy. "Aren't you surprised to see us after you tried to scrape us off on that witch?"
"I am a great and powerful wizard. I don't get surprised."
"Yeah? Check this out." Dorothy raised the broomstick and unleashed a sizzling bolt of energy across the chamber. It shattered one of the flaming urns.
"Small potatoes," said the Wizard, but his voice had gone up a little.
Dorothy swung the broomstick at random, exploding different targets around the chamber, while the Wizard bellowed in rage. While she did this, Toto, scurried over to a curtain and pulled it back. A man in a frock coat yanked levers and spun hand wheels as he tried to pull the curtain to cover himself.
"Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain," he intoned into a microphone. "I am Oz!"
"Yeah, well your pants are history," said Dorothy, as she burned the seat out of them.
The Wizard leaped, slapping both hands onto his sizzling buttocks.
Dorothy fired a few bolts at his feet, making him dance a ragged hornpipe.
"So how am I going to get back to Kansas?" she asked.
"Quit shooting! I'll take you, honest," whined the Wizard.
The next day, amid pomp and ceremony, Dorothy, Toto and the Wizard stood in the gondola of his hot-air balloon. As the Wizard delivered his seemingly endless farewell speech, Toto jumped out of Dorothy's arms to chase a cat the Wizard had paid a woman to bring. Dorothy leaped out after the dog, as the Wizard had known she would. The balloon, suddenly lightened, slipped its tether and carried him up and away.
"See how you like running the place," he called. "I'm getting a new gig!"
Dorothy burst into tears of rage and sadness. The pair of middle fingers she brandished at the dwindling balloon didn't help much. But through her tears she saw a bubble drifting toward her. It burst, revealing the simpering Glinda, Good Witch of the North.
"How am I supposed to get home now?" wailed Dorothy.
"Why you've had the power to return all along," fluted Glinda.
"What?!" snapped Dorothy, grabbing two fistfuls of Glinda's glittering bodice. "You mean I could have zapped straight home from that midget-ridden pest hole where my house landed and you didn't tell me?"
"Er -- um -- yes," said Glinda. "Go easy on the fabric there." She tried to loosen Dorothy's fingers.
"Go easy! Hah!" Dorothy snatched Glinda's wand and snapped pieces off until it was about six inches long. "Here," she said, shoving it back into Glinda's hand. "I'm demoting you to Assistant Tooth Fairy. I'm the real power in Oz."
"You can't do this," protested Glinda.
"Back in the bubble, Boopsie, before I decide we still have one witch too many."
As the bubble receded across the sky, the Scarecrow sidled up.
"You know, Dorothy, brain or not, I've been getting ideas..."
"You were always my favorite," murmured Dorothy. "Let's go somewhere we can --ah --'confer'"
Since the Lion had gone off to the hairdresser's and the Tin Woodman stood strangely frozen with his hand to his chest, Dorothy and the Scarecrow were able to slip away.
Unfortunately, they tried to smoke a cigarette after consummating their union.
"Aaaaaaah!" screamed the Scarecrow. "If I'd only had a brain!" But it was too late.